The Necessary Shift: Family

I've never had a best friend. Never had friends, really. I was always the kid that was the outsider. The child amongst the crowd that was never quite accepted. Oh sure, other kids talked to me, but it was mostly to inform me that I was fat (as if I didn't know that already). It's true, I was an overweight child, but I was also something else: a liar.

Me at age 3 in Lake Tahoe.

Let me clarify: when you are violated at a young age - or any age, for that matter - you are inadvertently taught to lie about most things. From how your feeling if someone asks you to what you did last weekend. Everything is a lie and you feel like you will be found out at anytime. Although the violation is never your fault, your violator tells you so and you believe it. 

So...I was a fat lying kid. Needless to say, it was very hard for me to connect with people. Sure, there was the occasional girl that I would meet the first day of school and we'd click. We'd spend maybe a couple of weeks hanging out at lunch and breaks - she'd talk and I'd listen because 'that's what I was so good at'. Soon she'd start to ask me questions about boys or my latest crush and I would begin to shut down. She'd usually get tired of asking questions that would get blatantly averted from all angles and eventually I'd see said gal pal spending her recesses with the other girl with the bright smile and nice laugh. So, I stopped talking to people. No introducing myself to anyone. Sure, I was cordial when spoken to but that would be as far as it went. No, 'do you want to sit hear with me'? at lunch. I decided that my break times would be for me, myself and I - my true friend. 

(I still believe that and they still are.)

Fast forward to present time. I'm now in my thirties and my 'secret' is no longer a secret. And although I don't introduce myself as Janis Hillard: Rape Survivor - if you know me, I'm pretty sure you know the crux of my life story. It's the part that I am not ashamed of and never feel as if I have to lie about. 

Family...

That's a tricky subject because my family is very small. It's also made up of people for whom I do not share DNA with. Over the years since my 'coming out' about my rape to my blood-family, things have shifted. I can count on one hand the number of relatives that I talk to and are in contact with and still have fingers left to spare. Some feel as if I am angry and haven't 'gotten over it' and others are torn between what to say so they don't say anything and keep their distance. I guess it's much easier to ask through the grapevine as to how I'm doing than to pick up the phone or type out an email and ask for themselves. Rape is nasty business, but incest is tacky and comes with lots of talons that scratch and gnaw at already open wounds. 

Friends...

The shift has come and I have fully accepted it. People for whom I would have never in a million years thought would adopt me (or maybe it's me adopting them) into their lives. Acquaintances that have blossomed into friendships and are now loveships. People that know my story and want to help me help others. People that when I ask if they can make something for Edipus' bake sale don't even blink or begrudge. People that give up their Friday to meet me at a coffee shop to strategize Eds next steps. People that wish me happy birthday before midnight. People that ask me how I'm doing and genuinely want to know the answer. 

Who are these people? Family, that's who. My necessary shift.