Thankful

The Thanksgiving holiday weekend is coming to a close and I have to admit, albeit cheesy - I'm really quite thankful.  I spent the morning of the holiday volunteering and delivering dinners for Meals On Wheels and rewarded myself with a nice quiet dinner with my sister.  As usual, we talked about nothing and everything - it was perfect.

Sweet potato pie made by yours truly. 

Although the holiday folklore itself was built on fiction, what Thanksgiving has evolved into (i.e., gratitude) is absolutely gorgeous. Thanksgiving is about taking the time out to be thankful for what you have by acknowledging the fact that whatever your circumstances are at present, you're still here and that's something to be proud of. And no matter how crazy or obnoxious your family and friends can be, you can still be appreciative that they are alive and kicking (and possibly getting on your nerves). 

So here's hoping that you took the time out to appreciate your life, loved ones and most of all yourself.  

I know I did. 

Second Chances

This entry will be short and sweet: apologies for the last entry. You know, the videoblog from last week. I'm not saying that I am regretful for droning on for eleven whole minutes but - ok, I am. What?! Who does that? Who doesn't mind staring at a webcam for that long and endlessly yapping?

A Kardashian, I am not.

Let's just say that I will not be partaking in that again. This blog was created because I am NOT much of a talker, not because I want to sit at my desk and complain about lack of Twitter followers and the like. What's worse is that I said it all with a smile.

Yuck.

Bloggin' With A Camera

A different kind of entry this time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMRW3hUYVdo&list=UUw08GWgG5Twa3iYgqyQ5auQ

Cloudbusting

Last week I sent out an email to some of my dearest friends asking them to keep me in their thoughts and/or prayers because I had to make a decision about Edipus that I wasn't ready for. I was stuck between a rock and hard place and it truly scared me.  The details of how I came about making this decision are still too raw and fresh so I won't go into them right now but I will say this; the clouds aren't so pregnant anymore and a decision has been made.

To those of you whom love me - thank you. And I you. 

Le Crap

Sometimes I am full of total crap. I say this because never in my life have I been more frustrated with something that hasn't even happened yet. Although I love him, Edipus is taxing on the nerves. And believe you me, that fact is not only annoying but extremely disconcerting.

My team, bless them, can only do so much. With the sad exception of myself, they all have lives. We all have nine to fives that help us pay our bills and put gas in our cars. We still go to the movies, kiss our loved ones goodnight and try to maintain a semblance of a personal life (Again, exclude me because Edipus monopolizes all my time.). The point is this: there is not enough time in the day to do everything that needs to be done. (Let me just say that my frustration is not with the team. I love and adore each and every one of them. Seriously.)

So what am I frustrated with? Take your pick! Let's see: not enough time in the day; too many people to contact; no money; too many emails to compose; events to organize; how are we going to pay for these events?; how do we get more Twitter followers?; why don't people want to talk about this? how do I get men to help?; women to help?; and lastly for good measure: should I call animal control on my neighbors' blatant neglect of their dogs? The list goes on and on.

Sigh.

The crap that I mentioned that I am so full of is worry. I'm worried about how Edipus is moving along in its pursuit to be discovered. It's like pouring molasses at times and for a person who is used to working hard and seeing results tout de suite, well, it can get a little disheartening when those culminations don't come through even after you've busted your rump off to get them. Le Crap, I guess, is also the delusion that I thought I'd be able to do it all.

Maybe I'm not working as hard as I think I am. Maybe I'm not toiling and sweating enough. Maybe I need to kick it into overdrive and grind and race until I'm foaming at the mouth like some overworked Thoroughbred coming around the bend. Attack it. Strike it. Yes...

But wait a minute. Haven't I been doing just that?! I mean, this isn't some overnight or bourbon-induced idea. I've put a lot of thought into this - years of cranial cramping! - just to get it right. I've been stealth and methodical in my research and approach. I've hand-selected, tweaked, designed and hammered in a lot of nails. Spoken and met with strangers over coffee and ramped up a voice that isn't used to speaking so frequently. Good Lord! Isn't that enough?  But as I start to write this sentence I'm painfully aware of the answer that I must type out but all too chicken to see stamped here in black and white. But sometimes big girls gotta say it. So, here it goes: no. No friend, it isn't enough.

Great. That's just great. And so very...frustrating.

Edipus: A Snowball In Hell

Since Edipus was officially announced life has been different. I've been interviewed and given the thumbs up more than I can count. Strangers have commented with soft words of encouragement and friends have stepped up even more with support. The flip side is that I've also been told that there in no way on God's green earth that this "little project" will ever come to pass. One person even told me that the idea and the lists are laughable. Well, then.

So this is when the woman that I've worked really hard to be stands up and clears her throat and says, "Kick rocks!" Translation: beat it. Second translation: step aside naysayers.

In an age where reality television has become our C-SPAN and videos of cats falling off desks have become our entertainment in between searching online for bromances and romances about people we'll never know while eating our waffle taco and slurpee - well, I have to admit that I am strangely comforted. Edipus has a fighting chance because it's smarter than that. I am smarter than that. Yes, cats are cute - but really? When we adhere to the noise of life - i.e., the chaos and nonsense - we miss out on the signal. The signal is what keeps life moving. The signal is what makes your day longer and memorable. It makes your water taste like wine and your heart beat like a hummingbird. (Some cat lovers may argue that being a felinophile is consistent with all the pleasures that I've just mentioned. No comment.)

In the coming weeks I will be starting my campaign. This means that I will speak anywhere that people are available.  I will set up camp at City Hall's and storefronts, public venues like parks and churches - any place that will have me (and where I can be granted a permit, of course).

Yes, I'm fighting. Why? Because Edipus is a snowball in hell. Yes, it might melt (pretty sure it just might) but who cares?! There are other snowballs there that haven't solidified yet and are standing firm because they refuse to melt. Huddling with the other snowballs who persist on combating the relentless heat.

Note: the noise can be very hot but the signal is always, always ice cold.

Like Whoa!

Have you ever had a really bad day? I mean, really bad. Well, that was yesterday.

This came at a really bad time because I should've been riding the high of launching a new website for Edipus and enjoying the fruits of my labor while basking in its well-earned glory. Of course, that didn't happen.

I won't bore you with the soggy details but let's just say that on top of ruining my day, I might have suppressed someone else's and I'm not happy about that. It's one thing to be in your own Private Idaho and brood but to invite someone else into the vortex - well, that just ain't cool. 

So, to paraphrase the words of rapper Black Rob and his infamous hip hop hit: it truly is 'like whoa'. At least it was twenty four hours ago. 

P.S.

To You: I'm sorry. 

Build, build, build.

Website. Check.

Wishlists. Check.

Isomnia. Check.

Worth it?

Good Lord, yes. 

The Necessary Shift: Family

I've never had a best friend. Never had friends, really. I was always the kid that was the outsider. The child amongst the crowd that was never quite accepted. Oh sure, other kids talked to me, but it was mostly to inform me that I was fat (as if I didn't know that already). It's true, I was an overweight child, but I was also something else: a liar.

Me at age 3 in Lake Tahoe.

Let me clarify: when you are violated at a young age - or any age, for that matter - you are inadvertently taught to lie about most things. From how your feeling if someone asks you to what you did last weekend. Everything is a lie and you feel like you will be found out at anytime. Although the violation is never your fault, your violator tells you so and you believe it. 

So...I was a fat lying kid. Needless to say, it was very hard for me to connect with people. Sure, there was the occasional girl that I would meet the first day of school and we'd click. We'd spend maybe a couple of weeks hanging out at lunch and breaks - she'd talk and I'd listen because 'that's what I was so good at'. Soon she'd start to ask me questions about boys or my latest crush and I would begin to shut down. She'd usually get tired of asking questions that would get blatantly averted from all angles and eventually I'd see said gal pal spending her recesses with the other girl with the bright smile and nice laugh. So, I stopped talking to people. No introducing myself to anyone. Sure, I was cordial when spoken to but that would be as far as it went. No, 'do you want to sit hear with me'? at lunch. I decided that my break times would be for me, myself and I - my true friend. 

(I still believe that and they still are.)

Fast forward to present time. I'm now in my thirties and my 'secret' is no longer a secret. And although I don't introduce myself as Janis Hillard: Rape Survivor - if you know me, I'm pretty sure you know the crux of my life story. It's the part that I am not ashamed of and never feel as if I have to lie about. 

Family...

That's a tricky subject because my family is very small. It's also made up of people for whom I do not share DNA with. Over the years since my 'coming out' about my rape to my blood-family, things have shifted. I can count on one hand the number of relatives that I talk to and are in contact with and still have fingers left to spare. Some feel as if I am angry and haven't 'gotten over it' and others are torn between what to say so they don't say anything and keep their distance. I guess it's much easier to ask through the grapevine as to how I'm doing than to pick up the phone or type out an email and ask for themselves. Rape is nasty business, but incest is tacky and comes with lots of talons that scratch and gnaw at already open wounds. 

Friends...

The shift has come and I have fully accepted it. People for whom I would have never in a million years thought would adopt me (or maybe it's me adopting them) into their lives. Acquaintances that have blossomed into friendships and are now loveships. People that know my story and want to help me help others. People that when I ask if they can make something for Edipus' bake sale don't even blink or begrudge. People that give up their Friday to meet me at a coffee shop to strategize Eds next steps. People that wish me happy birthday before midnight. People that ask me how I'm doing and genuinely want to know the answer. 

Who are these people? Family, that's who. My necessary shift. 

I'm Still Standing

Although I am a writer by trade (click here if you're interested), I really don't like talking. I'm more of an observer - which makes it a little difficult to participate in the social media milieu. It seems to require you to talk even when no one is listening (or even cares). That ain't me. I'm more of a question-and-answer kind of chick.

But Edipus has to talk. It has to be extroverted and somewhat gregarious to the masses if it wants to become a success.

Sigh. I'm still learning...and withstanding it all.

My dream is to one day hand over all cyberspace communication to some young netizen who can text and update in their sleep. Until said day, it's just me and my pretty little opposable thumbs working hard for the greater good that is Ed.

Wish me luck and pray that I tap into my inner extrovert - at least until the cavalry arrives.

J.

It Ain't Easy Being Green...

Who was the jerk that said that nothing worth fighting for is ever easy?! Well, sir or madam, I just have one thing to say:

You were right. 

Edipus is worth fighting for and believe me when I say, that ain't easy. 

(Just thought I'd remind myself.)

New Beginnings

Hello everyone,

I hope you had a wonderful Holiday season!

Just wanted to give everyone who follows my blog a heads-up that it has changed. Yes, it's changed ascetically, but there's more. I've decided to make this a personal blog about my comings and goings with Edipus. What does that mean, exactly? No more Read, Watch or Listen. I've decided to solely make this about Edipus and my relationship with it.

What else is new? Edipus now has a Team! Yes, you heard me right. People who have graciously decided to give up their valuable time and help with this gargantuan task. Words cannot express how much gratitude I feel for these humble luminaries who want to support without trepidation. (I prophesize that a big reward awaits you in the near future!)

In addition to the new team, Edipus has aligned itself with almost every social club there is out there. We are now on Pinterest, Tumblr, Instagram, Google+, Facebook, Twitter and YouTube. Whew!

Thank you again to all those who follow this blog. You are the bees-knees and I thank you from the bottom of my humble heart.

Happy New Year!

J.